I moved to Hawaii in 2006 after the death of a friend. It’s funny - the grieving process. So full of denial. Sometimes it’s difficult to see just how much of a toll a loss takes on our lives. The moment I found out she died - something in me died too - I felt it. I was driving on interstate 95 to Boston for a conference after living in Italy for a year. The shock of the news was like a wave pummeling over my body and once it hit there was no escaping the enormity of natures force - it just took me - and I gave way to it. But I didn’t realize until many years later that I stayed in that wave - holding the cork of my life underwater. We all lost Dara that day, on the eve of her birthday in 2006, and I forfeited my trust in the universe. My sense of safety vanished. If nature could just do that - take her - nature could take me, at any time so why not now - control works in mysterious ways. This is also the challenge of empathy. “Taking it on” as if it was my own. If she’s going to die I might as well too. Instead of going to graduate school that year, I moved to Hawaii and threw my life to the wind. Found yoga, deconstructed my relationship to food, met people, loved people, lost people, fucked up - a lot - layer upon layer. The rebuilding process was nothing shy of messy, really fucking messy. And that’s the thing about surrendering. Unless we’re ready to be intentional about the reconstruction of our newness, we’re probably not ready to rebuild. Laying the foundation is critical to a strong Self. I thought I was ready to explore the world of psychology and be a damn good therapist - at age 23. That’s just funny - me writing that. Until I bared myself and the idea of myself to the universe and let it toss me around like a dog with a rope-toy, I wouldn’t be ready. I had to see my Self, my unfinished self in contrast to who I truly am, in relationship to all things, all people and all of my knee jerk reactions.
Readiness is relative.
The pain is just a teacher.
The fear is rising only to fall away.
The you that is You wants to be seen and take center stage.
The You that is You is that cork in the ocean - let go of it and it will rise to the top.
All my love, k.